That Fairytale Everyone Loves
by N.A.Given
Summary: Dedicated to Ritachi. LAVEN. Everyone's favorite Cinderella fairytale with a twist of sarcastic parody.


Sorry Ritachi but yes, this story is utter cra- I mean, garbage (remembered that you disliked curses :P ).  
But hey! I kept my promise ;D

**Disclaimer:** If I owned D. Grayman, it would be one of the worst manga/anime you guys have ever seen. On days where I'd be lazy, episodes would be composed of intense stick figure action and farfetched parodies.

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**That Fairytale Everyone Loves**  
Dedicated to Ritachi:

-o-

Once upon a time, in a far away nation that was so preposterously far away that it didn't exist, there was a man. This man worked and toiled the fields every day, without ever getting any appreciation. And though this man had a name, no one ever cared enough to figure it out, especially since he is not the main character of this story.

Moving along… This nameless man worked for the preposterously far away nation of Lavi-ville, a land where there was no such thing as a vacation because the ruler slacks off too much for its citizens to take breaks; if everyone didn't overwork, the place would spiral into miserable and eternal poverty.

Now let's talk about the ruler of Lavi-ville (and please ignore my use of cheap transitioning): Lavi! Well, first off, he's either uncreative or arrogant for naming his nation "Lavi-ville". And that previous sentence sounded so unsure about the origin of the name because the narrator does not know: Lavi-ville is too preposterously far away for her to have gone and visited. She does, however, know enough to tell the rest of the story (why yes, I did just masterfully reestablished my credibility after needlessly losing it. Thank you for noticing).

So yeah… Lavi…

Some say he's an idiot, who not only does not understand the meaning of a hard day's work, but also never seemed to have anything important on his mind. This, however, is far from the truth. In fact, Lavi is a brilliant and cunning ruler, who knew that acting like a fool would worry his kingdom enough to maximize outputs. King Lavi is, in fact, the greatest ruler in all of preposterously far away land. But even someone as great as King Lavi had problems for, you see, he was terribly lonely.

"Oh, I'm so lonely! So terribly lonely!" he said one day to his trusted advisor, who is also not important enough to be named. King Lavi was tired of his single, handsome-bachelor days.

Lavi sighed deeply. "Oh, trusty-advisor-who-is-not-important-enough-to-be-named, I'm so tired of my single bachelor days. Why is it that even though I'm amazing handsome and smart, I'm still living alone?"

"I don't know," is what the trusty advisor would have said if he was an important character. But since he's not and unimportant people can't speak too much in this story, he simply shook his head sorrowfully and scrunched his face into a clueless expression.

"Oh, trusty advisor, maybe I should set up a Marry-Lavi ball and invite women from all the lands?"

The advisor nodded vigorously and threw Lavi a thumbs-up, even though that sort of physical slang will probably not be invented in Lavi-ville for another 234541324895 years.

"Then it's settled! Trusty advisor, please go and set up the event. If you need me, I'll be out in town, walking around with a purposely dazed expression to keep my appearances as the idiot-King."

-o-

Days passed by, as the details of the up-coming ball were being worked out with Lavi-ville's court and counsel. And when the invitation list of 234541324895 girls was finally compiled, knights on horsemen were sent out to distribute the official summons.

Beautiful women from the highest positions were invited, most of which gladly welcomed the chance of marrying a king. The knights had no real problem on their journey… that was, before they stopped by KaKaLand.

KaKaLand, named so instead of KandaLand because it sounded more adorable, was also a preposterously far away land. Ruled by the King SomethingJapanese and Queen SomethingAlsoJapanese Kanda, it was often said to be a sullen place of strict manners. And when Lavi's summons came for Prince Yu Kanda, no one seemed too welcome the knights.

"Go back!" peasant who met the knights attempting to enter KaKaLand warned. "Go back before it's too late!" But the knights paid the good warnings no attention and continued on.

When they arrived at the castle, they were grudgingly allowed in.

"No guards, stand down. You cannot shoot them, no matter how much the Prince would like you to: they have a peace treaty with the King." The knight's smiled politely at this, as they began thinking about their safety; maybe they should have taken the warning? But anyways, who cares about them?

Moving on...

Now you see, when the knights entered the palace, they were confused. They were suppose to find beautiful ladies for their king and yet, here they are, pursuing _Prince_ Kanda? but their confusions, however, were quickly set aside when the prince entered the room.

A fair face, long flowing hair, and some other description that the authoress doesn't feel like thinking up… The prince looked more beautiful than any girl they have ever met! Lavi-ville's court must have thought he was a woman!

They ogled at the prince for a while longer before the prince got annoyed and ordered them to state why they were in his lands.

"Sir," one knight said as he slowly approached the prince, "we are here to bring you a summons from King Lavi."

The knight walked a few steps towards Prince Kanda but the minute he was within five feet of the prince, he froze. Falling down as a sputter of saliva sprouted from his gaping mouth, he gasped for air. In a few seconds, he turned into ice.

_GASP!_ What's this?? The other knights looked on in shock. And it was only then did they notice the dark aura coming from Prince Kanda.

"This must be what the peasants warned us about! This amazingly, drop-dead gorgeous and voluptuous man is too dangerous to approach!"

The knights each took turn attempting to poke the prince with swords, mop-handles, and sticks, seeing how close the objects could get without freezing. When they realized there was no way anyone could go near the man, they sighed unison-ly in defeat.

Yu Kanda was too cold… so cold that his piercing glare and deep frown turns whatever that came near him into solid ice. Oh, the metaphor!! It was too much for the knights to handle!! They mournfully climbed back onto their horses and retreated.

As they road along the mudded path, they thought about the sad look the king would have if they returned empty-handedly… and a piece of each of their hearts chipped off.

"How could we possibly go back in this shameful way?" they asked, each hanging their heads down low. And because the readers would be terribly sad if Lavi didn't end up with someone, one of the knights had a sudden revelation.

He galloped ahead and cut in front of the others. "What if we find a replacement?" he declared vigorously. "What if we find another boy feminine enough to be passed off as Prince Kanda?" The others thought thoughtfully at the thought before smiling at that thoughtful thought. Splitting up, they began their search.

They prudently combed the lands for a replacement because they weren't smart enough to use a girl to replace Kanda. And because they weren't smart enough, they were forced to give up when they realized no other boy in preposterously far away land could be as beautiful as Prince Kanda, and they simply grabbed the first boy that came walking down the road.

"Wha-what's going on?? Put me down!!" But white-haired manly Allen Walker's shouting-s were in vain.

The knights tied the boy to a horse and road sadly on home. Maybe, if they disguised this kid, King Lavi wouldn't notice...

(Poor, poor white-haired manly Allen Walker…)

"What's going on?!?!"

-o-

"Awesomest King Lavi, are you ready for your ball?"

The king grinned playfully as he adjusted his tie. "Oh, nameless-helper-who-really-shouldn't-be-speaking-because-you-are-unimportant, I'm as ready as I'll ever be."

The king exited his room and descended the stairs. And when Lavi's eyes were met with a lavishly (no pun intended) decorated room, crowded with refined and elegant women of all types, his grin widened.

He explored the crowd, dancing with one or two of the woman who crossed his path. But in between his second dance, his eyes caught site of the girl standing alone in the far-off corner.

This girl, with a masculine build, frizzed wig, tattered rags, and hateful eyes, magnetically called Lavi forward, towards her. Being a true gentlemen, Lavi attempted to unbind the ropes tying her to a nearby pillar and kiss her hand; but when he realized he could not do so without some sort of weapon, he gave up and instead, settled for fixing her wig.

"So, can I get a name?" And when she shouted angrily behind the towel jammed into her mouth, Lavi chuckled softly.

"I don't know what you just said, but I'll pretend it was a compliment."

Lavi gazed thoughtfully at her for a while before moving to remove the towel. The minute he took them out of that poorly lip-stick-ed mouth, however, a string of furious curses followed.

"ASDFSFWERASDFLKJZVIUWEARASFDMNZXCVJ*&$^#$#*!?!?!?"

"W-what? I don't understand-"

"ASDFASDFHJFDLKJH#$*&#$*&#$*&# I'M GOING TO KILL YOU ALL!!!!" And Lavi quickly plopped the towel back in.

Sighing mournfully, he pinched the girl's cheeks. Oh, what was he to do?

In front of him was this amazing (ignore the narrator's lack of adjectives) girl, more delightful than anyone he has ever met in his life! The only problem was that she had the personality of a stump… a fiery, vulgar stump.

"I guess I'll just have to accept you for the way you are," he said, shaking his head.

Lavi motioned a few men forward to untie the girl from the pillars and chain up her hands. And as they were doing so, Lavi turned his attention back to the party.

The crowd was as lively as ever, and though Lavi hated the position of the un-invented Lavi-ville word "killjoy", he felt like he had no choice: There was no point in keeping the other girls there when he had already chosen who he was going to keep.

"Okay, party's over. I've found the person I want to marry. You can all go back to your preposterously far away homes now."

The crowd was displeased, shouting protests against Lavi's quick decision. After a few minutes of disbelief and livid retorts, the party members began leaving, and Lavi turned his attention back to the girl.

He thinned his lips in frustration, as he thought about what he should do with her.

"If only I didn't have a thing for drag-queen looking girls with a scarred arm and angry daggers for eyes…," he commented sorrowfully. But since Lavi was someone who was completely comfortable with his flaws, he smiled it off. And throwing the roped girl onto his shoulders, he valiantly carried her upstairs…

To play charades and gaze lovingly into each others' eyes, of course! Gosh, don't be such perverts!

"You will spend the rest of your life with me!" Lavi declared in a kingly voice. And after Lavi took her shaking her heads sideways, stomping her feet, and struggling to break free as a sign of consent, he knew this was his happily ever after.

Though the girl remained tied up for another five or six months, she grew to accept her disposition and stopped rebelling. They were soon married and labeled wise co-rulers of the preposterously far away land of Lavi-ville. Together, they brought about a period of peace of vacation-filled fun.

When it came time for Lavi to produce an heir, however, the kingdom descended into a chaos as King Lavi fell into a panic. He desperately wanted to avoid the drama of childbirth and the fear of losing his wife to preposterously far away land's obsolete science, which was incapable of a C-section.

That was why he was delightfully surprised that his wife was actually a man.

...And no, Lavi had never noticed that his man-wife was male before. They played a lot of charades.

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**End…**  
Until Lavi realizes that he must now adopt a child and goes through a similarly exciting sequel of daring adventures.

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1) Now before you review, I must say: Yes, I will update my other stuff! I sent some to my beta already but since she's busy with college applications too, she says she'll read them later. –Masterfully removes blame from self :D –

2) I hope you enjoyed this terrible story... I was actually writing a depressing-ish story and I needed a break.


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